Splitting Up and Splitting the House: What You Need to Know

This is not legal advice — just friendly, practical ideas that may help.

With divorce and separation becoming more of a regular topic of conversation once you hit your 40s, I’ve had a number of friends navigating it — and figuring out how best to set up the next chapter of their lives.

Part and parcel of any separation is dividing up assets — and for many couples, that includes the home. Around 60–70% of couples in the UK own their property, so working out what happens to it is often high on the list of things to figure out.

With many friends going through this now for the first time — and quite a few not having the faintest clue where to even begin — it dawned on me to chat to my favourite and trusted mortgage expert, David Baker, Managing Director at LIFT-Mortgages. 

David (or Mortgage Man, as I fondly call him) has patiently nursed me through three mortgages of my own. But far beyond that, he’s written countless articles, featured on podcasts, written court reports, acted as an expert court witness, and worked with STEP (Society of Trust and Estate Practitioners) on property and divorce cases.

Sadly, he tells me, in their business they handle new divorce enquiries every single day. So he seemed like the ideal person to quiz to be honest.

I grabbed his regular hints and tips, which I have mapped out below — with a short guide on where to begin, if you’re not sure where to start.

Splitting the Pot 

Break-ups are never simple — especially when a home is involved. One of the most common situations? One person wants to move on, and the other wants to stay put. So how do you split the pot in a way that feels fair — and financially doable?

If one person wants to leave the property, they’ll usually want their share of the equity released so they can use those funds to buy a new place or take the next financial step.

A lot of people assume it’s a straight 50/50 split — but that’s not always the case. It depends on how the ownership was originally set up (more on that later).

To make that happen, the person staying in the property needs to release that equity to their ex. And let’s be honest — if they didn’t initiate the separation, that part can feel particularly tough.

Practically speaking, this means buying out the other person’s share. That can sometimes be done with savings or help from family — but more often, it’s done by remortgaging the property and increasing your loan to raise the required funds.

Getting the property valued early helps you understand what the house is worth now, how much equity there is, and what’s actually on the table to divide.

The key question for the person staying becomes: Can I afford to take on the (higher) mortgage alone — and will a lender agree to it?

Affordability 

That’s where a good broker (like David) — or your mortgage lender — comes in: to help you figure out what’s possible based on your income, affordability criteria, and the value of the property.

For the person staying, the lender will look at your current earnings and outgoings — including any changes that come with separation, like increased childcare costs or having to cover school fees alone.

If your new financial picture is enough to cover your current mortgage — or a higher one, in the case of a remortgage — your lender may be happy to release the partner who’s leaving from the deeds, and satisfied that the person staying can afford the mortgage alone.

One of the biggest misconceptions David sees? People assume: “I’ve got loads of equity — it’ll be simple to take some money out.” But even if your house is worth loads, (sadly) that’s not cash in your pocket. 

As David puts it:

“It’s only simple if you can afford it. If the person staying wants to borrow even a pound more, the lender has to run affordability checks. They’re required to do so — they’ll reassess the income and status of the person staying in the home. If that person doesn’t have enough coming in, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a million pounds of equity. You can’t pay the mortgage with equity. You can only pay the mortgage with cash.”

I was curious: if one person wants out of the relationship — and the other either doesn’t want to sell or can’t afford to buy them out — how does the person who wants to leave access any money? 

David told me that’s one for a solicitor. From a mortgage point of view, it’s a joint liability. So realistically, if one person wants out and the other doesn’t, you’ll need a legal process to reach a solution.

What you shouldn’t ever do 

David emphasised this more than once during our chat, and it was crystal clear how important it is: whatever you do, don’t stop paying the mortgage.

“The last thing either party wants is a damaged credit file,” he said.

As he explained, once you’ve missed a mortgage payment, most high street lenders don’t want to know (more on this later).

“If you didn’t pay it the first time,” he said, “what’s going to stop you missing it again?

“The first thing I always advise a couple is to try and  talk,” David says. “It's obviously easy to say, but try and be amicable about things. Try and see if there's an agreement that could be made.

“Quite a lot of the time, clients agree to stay in the home until a child reaches a certain age — perhaps that’s two to three years down the line just to get them through GCSEs, whatever it may be, or just give everyone a bit of time to adjust.

“The worst thing you can do is bury your head in the sand,” he told me.

He couldn’t stress enough: if you’re struggling, speak to your mortgage lender.

“There’s no need to try and hide it. Give the lender a call. They're really good at helping people if they know early enough. And there's loads of options they can offer. 

At the end of the day, no lender wants to repossess a home. David explained that lenders are judged by regulators on repossession numbers — so having too many goes against them.

“It’s a cost,” he said. “It’s legal work. It’s hassle. They don’t want to have that reputation I’m sure.

“So yes — it’s in their interest to work with you. But equally, you’ve got to work with them too.

“If you're struggling, give them a call. Maybe they’ll let you switch to interest-only. Or stretch repayments over a longer period so you can afford it. And maybe it isn’t a struggle. The ones that go badly wrong — and touch wood, I haven’t seen too many — are always the same story. People bury their heads in the sand. They pretend it’s not happening, they're in denial about it, and all of a sudden they're getting too deep financially. 

“Talking to your lender is always the key.

“If your ex won’t sell or won’t let you come off the mortgage — and you have the income to support both mortgages — there’s nothing stopping you from buying a second home with a 10% deposit while things get resolved.

“You don’t have to feel trapped, as long as you have the affordability.

“Affordability is the key word when it comes to mortgages. If you haven't got affordability, that can feel really uncomfortable  — because the system isn’t built to stretch beyond what you can prove you can afford.”

One of my favourite tips

I wondered whether things are any different if you're married — or if you’ve been unmarried but together for, say, forty years.

In short: financially, no. David said that when it comes to buying a new property or coming off an existing one, it’s purely about what you earn and what your outgoings are.

That said, he did flag that a legal expert might see things differently.

He gave me some smart advice, which I think is useful for everyone: “From a mortgage point of view, you can write mortgages involving more than one person in two ways: tenants in common or joint tenants.

“Joint Tenants is usually 50/50 ownership. Tenants in Common is where, at the start, you set a pre-agreed split. So I might own 80% of the property, and you might own 20%, based on the deposit we each put in.

“The vast majority of clients, in my opinion, should be doing tenants in common — because it’s quite rare that both people put in exactly the same amount.

“Right at the start of buying a new property — especially when you’re first in a relationship — the first thing you should do is speak to a solicitor about tenants in common versus joint tenants, as a way to protect your share if things change later.”

That's good advice. I wouldn't have known that. 

Will my mortgage lender take my personal situation into account? 

Knowing this might fall more under the legal side of things, I still asked whether anything changes if a breakup involves abuse or infidelity. Do lenders show any compassion in those situations — or is it all handled strictly by the book?

“That’s hard to answer,” he said. “From a lender’s point of view, the bank is ultimately a business — they want their money back.

“Now, if someone’s going through a particularly tough time, they might show a bit of leniency — give you a little longer to repay the loan, or offer more support.

“But ultimately, you’ve entered into an agreement to pay someone back. And if you don’t — whatever the reason — realistically, they’ll still want that money back.

“They might be a little kinder in unusual situations, but the fundamentals don’t change.”

So it really does come back to what David said at the start: the second you think there might be a problem, talk to your lender.

Sadly, your broker can’t help at this stage. They can assist with new mortgages or rate switches — but they don’t have any control over your existing agreement. That relationship is with the lender.

The good news is: lenders aren’t faceless institutions. Most have specialist departments trained to help people through life’s messier moments. These teams know how to handle sensitive circumstances — far more than a standard call centre would. The advice from David is clear: call the lender the moment you’re struggling. He said this — compassionately — about 25 times.

“Lenders usually look at affordability as a multiple of income — typically four-and-a-half times salary — before even considering debt,” David explained.

“That can feel really harsh for someone who’s stepped away from their career to raise kids. They’ve done an amazing job at home — but now they may not have the income to buy the property they need.”

And yet, even here, there is hope.

“The one thing I’ve seen again and again — and I’ve been doing this 23 years — is that the person who’s been the carer often starts with a really tough first conversation. It’s emotional. It’s raw.

“But when we speak again a couple of years down the line? They’re in a completely different place. They might even be back to owning a home.

“It’s not always doom and gloom. There’s a hard period — of course — but I see people come through it, and feel so pleased for them for where they land.”

What really stood out to me in all of this is how complex and personal every scenario is. In many heterosexual relationships, it’s often the male partner who leaves the home — whether or not they initiated the split — which can leave the woman carrying the emotional and financial weight of trying to stay. And when you layer in the gender pay gap, it’s no wonder so many women find themselves having to either sell up or significantly stretch to keep the home.

I can see why, for many, selling becomes the only path forward — even if it means letting go of the family home or starting again somewhere smaller. And sometimes, just finding stable ground again means renting. There’s a clear link between rising divorce rates and increased rental demand — especially among 35 to 55-year-olds. In areas where house prices are high or supply is tight, former homeowners are often nudged into renting for longer than they might have planned.

There really is no one-size-fits-all outcome. These choices are shaped by income, timing, family dynamics, and geography — and they land differently for everyone. But knowing your options, asking the right questions early, and talking to the people who can help seems to be what gives a person the best chance of landing on your feet.

What if I’m only thinking about separating from my partner? 

I asked David: what if you're in a relationship, you own the house together, but you're not happy — and you're starting to think about leaving… but you’re also conscious you share the house?

David was clear: “If I was in that situation, and I was starting to feel things weren’t right, the last thing I’d want to do is lock into a new mortgage deal.

“I get this a lot — a person may come to me and say, ‘We’ve not been happy for a while, but we’ve just fixed into a five-year term.’ And I’m thinking, now you’re going to lose thousands in penalties. That’s avoidable with a bit of basic planning.”

He says people are often nervous to tell a broker the full story — like they’ll be judged. But he couldn’t stress this enough: “We see every walk of life. I care about the client, but I’m not judging the situation. If you tell us the truth early, we can actually help.”

Too often, the truth comes out late: “They’ve been unhappy for years, they're mid-fixed, and now they’re staring down a 5% early repayment charge. If they’d told us upfront, we could’ve planned around it.”

I asked him: Do people actually call up and say, “How the fuck do I get out of this?”

He laughed: “Yeah — honestly? Quite a lot is the truth.”

My estate agent even said the same thing when he came to value my house. He told me about “divorce valuations” — where one half of a couple gets the agent round on the sly while the other person’s out, to quietly explore their options.

So I asked: Can you call your lender without your partner knowing?

David said yes: “You can call your lender, or your broker, to ask about your options. You don’t need both parties for that. We get loads of people doing it — they’re not ready to act yet, but they want to understand what the future might look like. And that’s totally fine.”

What’s harder, he says, is when people wait until the split is underway and then try to untangle their finances.

“They’re mid-divorce, haven’t thought about the money, and suddenly realise they’ve fixed into something with penalties. The divorce is already hard — don’t make it worse by adding financial strain that could’ve been avoided.”

His message is simple: “Take a bit of pressure off your future self by doing some smart planning early. We see this every day — literally every day. No judgment. But knowing what you’re working with? That’s always a better plan.”

Is it too neggy to talk about this from the start?

I asked David if this is a conversation more couples should have before they jump into buying a property together.

“Yeah. Look — when you meet someone, you’re in love. You’re buzzing. You just want to buy a house. And sometimes, financial planning goes out the window.

“Good planning means having the chat early. You can say: ‘We’re in love, we’ll be together forever. But what if?’

“If I’m putting in five times the deposit you are, I’d want that to be protected. And honestly, if you’re going to be together forever, it won’t matter anyway. But if things don’t work out — you get back what you put in. That’s fair.”

I do think the older you are, the more relevant this conversation becomes.

I was actually laughing about this (ironically) with an ex the other day. We were talking about a mutual friend going through a life crisis — messy split, house in the balance — and I said:

If I met someone now, in my 40s, having worked for the assets I have, I would be very protective of any entitlement they have and plan accordingly. Because I’ve seen too many mates get completely fucked over.

It’s not exactly romantic. But it’s real.

David got where I was coming from: “Yeah, absolutely. If you don’t talk at the start, you might end up splitting things 50/50 — even if one person put in 80 or 90%. If you’re together forever, it doesn’t matter — you just move forward as one. But if the relationship ends (and let’s face it, one in two do), you get returned to your original positions. That feels fair to me.

“Unfortunately, people don’t like having this conversation. The legal work might cost a little more — not ridiculous amounts, but it’ll cost you a bit more because there’s more work for the solicitor — and so people avoid it.

“If I were buying with someone for the first time, I’d be having that chat. If someone doesn’t want to sign the paperwork, I’d be asking: why not? Why do they think they’re entitled to half my assets?

“And if a relationship isn’t working, couples need to have that frank chat too. Not just about breaking up — but about what to do next. You don’t want to tie yourselves into big financial penalties out of fear or avoidance. It doesn’t make sense.”

Do your future self a favour: protect your credit score

I asked David if there’s one thing people often forget to ask about.

David didn’t take a breath: “Protect your credit score — at all costs. Don’t miss payments on things.

“I’ve had wild conversations where someone says they’ve missed a credit card bill — but they’re still paying for Netflix, Sky, and going on holidays. Look, we all need a balance. But your credit score sticks with you for six or seven years.

“As we’ve said throughout this conversation, if people are struggling — talk to your lender. See if you can agree on a new arrangement. Because once your credit file is damaged, most of the good lenders won’t want to know. And in this market, if one lender could offer you 3–4%, but you’re stuck with one that charges 5–6%, that damage really adds up.”

Ugh.

How to check your credit score

David recommended Checkmyfile as a good place to start (though, as he added, “there are loads out there — I’m not promoting one, but I like this one.”). It pulls together data from the three main credit agencies and gives you a clear snapshot. If you see a string of green zeros, that means you’re paying on time. Amber means you’ve missed a payment — and the higher that number goes, the more months you’ve missed. Red, David says, is where it gets serious: “That’s when the lender starts thinking they won’t get their money back — or begins taking more serious action.

“If you don’t know your credit status, don’t bury your head in the sand. Go and get your credit report. Find out what you’re dealing with. 

“If you’ve not done this yet, but you’re struggling a bit, the last thing you want to do is miss payments on anything — because it will mess you up for quite a long period of time.”

I thought that was such a good point.

David and I have talked about this kind of stuff before — but I imagine there are people halfway through reading this who are thinking, “Oh, this all sounds doable…” and forgetting that their credit history might be working against them in the background.

And that’s the stuff that really screws people over.

“Yeah — in one in four, maybe one in five cases I see, someone’s missed a payment. If it’s a one-off — a single credit card bill from a year ago — that’s fine. We can usually explain it to a high street lender. These things happen. But if it’s inconsistent or repeated — every other month, here and there — then the better lenders don’t want to know. And if they don’t want to know, you’re pushed toward adverse lenders. That means higher interest, which means borrowing less, and paying more. It’s a vicious cycle. Honestly, if you’re struggling — get rid of Sky. Cut what you need to cut to keep payments up to date.

“The one thing you should never miss, ideally, is your mortgage payment.”

I asked if there was anything else. David shook his head.

“No — I think that’s it.”

He sees a lot of this. Divorce, separation, financial resets.

“The most common question I get is: how do I keep the house? And the answer, for most people, is: you probably can’t. Not unless you’ve got serious income. Usually, one person wants out. The other can’t afford to buy them out. So they sell the family home, and both start again."

Which got me thinking, it really might be worth that awkward conversation at the start. 

“People often come to me early, saying they want to keep the same standard of living. But with half the income, that’s just not realistic.

“So then it becomes about: what does the next stage look like? What do I need to do to get mortgage-ready again? That’s where I try to help.”

What to Do If You’re Splitting Up and Own a Home

A summary checklist (not legal advice obviously, but a helpful place to start)

1. Get the home valued

   Understand how much equity there is and what’s actually on the table to divide.

2. Speak to a broker or lender

   Work out what’s affordable for the person staying — and whether the mortgage can be restructured.

3. Check your credit score

   Use a tool like Checkmyfile to see where you stand. Don’t let missed payments surprise you later.

4. Keep the mortgage payments going

   No matter how messy things get — protect your credit score above all else.

5. Talk (if you can)

   Even just enough to agree on short-term arrangements — like who’s staying in the house, or until when.

6. Get legal advice

   Especially if one person doesn’t want to sell, or if ownership isn’t straightforward.

7. Plan for what’s next

   You may not be able to keep the house. That doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild.

Final thoughts

I’ve seen second-hand just how shit divorce and separation can be. And while this post might help map out the process of dividing up the house, I’m not sure it makes it feel any less shit, complicated and painful — which, honestly, I kind of hoped it would when I started out with this post. Still I do hope it has helped provide some clarity for anyone who was looking for it.

Sending love to anyone navigating it at all.

– Mel 

Acknowledgements. A very special thank you to my favourite mortgage expert David Baker for donating his time and insight. You can find him here or on David.Baker@lift-mortgages.com.